My boyfriend is amazing.

I mean, that’s why he’s my boyfriend.

Every day at lunch/dinner he steals a cup of iced tea from me and drinks it. 😛 Last night I refused to get him a new one after he drank all mine (a matter of pride) so he breaks out the threats, growling “Puppy!!” Me: still no. Threatened with a beating, or with no beating, or with no sex. Nope! Finally, he got 2 of his own and as we were walking out he gave me one to hold, saying, “Drink it and you get punished.” I didn’t even want any so I didn’t drink it. By the time we got to the elevator he said, “One’s for you. I’ll always take care of you, Puppy. And you’re still getting a beating.”

I felt so loved!!

LGBT Challenge: Day 17 Update

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This is an article I wrote for a different website a few years ago. It provides a little more detail on my high school’s Gay-Straight Alliance. It’s also kinda cute because I was like sixteen when I wrote it. I thought I was straight back then! ^.^

“Everybody’s journey is individual,” says author James Baldwin.“If you fall in love with a boy, you fall in love with a boy. The fact that many Americans consider it a disease says more about them than it does about homosexuality.” His perception is exactly right: homophobia only exists due to a lack of understanding of how homosexuals think and live. The only way to right this wrong and allow gays and lesbians to live freely in our society is to educate people on what being gay really means, instead of letting the stereotypes persist. Gay-Straight Alliances like ours—local pro-gay rights organizations centered around youth—have volunteered for the tough task of educating students on what being gay really means. Also known as GSAs, their goal is to make the school community safe and welcoming for every student, regardless of their gender identity or their sexual preferences. To many teenagers, who get bullied or harassed for their sexual orientation or are misunderstood because of it, the mission of the GSA is vital.

Now I am an active member of my school’s GSA, but my first experience of it came when I was a lot less mature than I am now. The elementary- and middle-school String Orchestras play their concerts at our high school, which is the only building with a stage large enough to hold all of us squirming little twerps and our cellos. In the music room that we used as a coat-room, my friends and I spotted a poster advertising the Gay-Straight Alliance for any student interested. We pointed and giggled and stared, wondering what such a club could possibly do during its meetings. Gay orgies seemed the most likely possibility, but we also discussed anarchist plots to make Elton John president and parties in which they painted the surface of their bodies rainbow and then streaked around the school. That was a temporary amusement, however, and with the exception of a gym teacher we dubbed a “lesbo,” the issue was mostly forgotten by the time we entered high-school. Continue reading

On Completion

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Do you believe that your owner (or someone else significant to you) completes you, or that you are a complete person on your own? Does it matter to you if the person you serve considers himself/herself complete as a person, or whether they are looking outwardly to others for completeness? (from Submissive Journal Prompts)

I have always thought of myself as a complete person separate from my significant other– even though I do have a preference for being in a relationship over being alone, my personal self-image is not involved. This notion of dependence on a romantic partner always seemed ridiculous to me, but in the BDSM world such a myth might have its uses.

That said, J does complete me marvelously. The longer we’re together, the more I find myself relying on him, considering him an extension of a limb or something else dependable and indispensable. For example, his optimism counters my depression, and while I’m a people-pleaser, he is never afraid to piss somebody off if they deserve it. Though I was a complete person to begin with, I think now that I’ve known J I couldn’t be complete again on my own.

When in the market for a dom and/or a lover, I will always prefer someone who doesn’t need me, but that’s just personal preference. I like independence, and I like other people who like independence too. But from a BDSM perspective, I think it would make me happy to “complete” my dom by providing things he needs in life: companionship, sexual release, even chores and tasks.

Submitting to others is hard!

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With another woman held tightly in his arms, J gives an offhand order to kneel at his feet and take out his cock. She watches eagerly as his cock plunges in and out between my lips, guiding me with her fingers wound tightly in my hair, and goading him on to orgasm. I can’t help but picture greeting her after class the next day, and whether she’ll be picturing me in submission as we eat lunch together.

Or, while out to dinner with a friend, he’ll scratch my head like the Puppy I am, making me happily immobile, and then invite our company to join in, making me unable to hold eye contact with either of them without blushing shamefully.

Humiliation something I’ve always craved, but genuine humiliation really is genuinely humiliating. I think I could deal with whatever degradation J wanted to put me through, but once other people are added into the equation, I get all distracted by the publicity of it. When with J and others in the know, I tend to be much brattier than I would otherwise, just to maintain a little bit of normalcy in the impending taboo weirdness of submitting to others besides just J. I’ve gotten reprimanded numerous times, but it’s so ingrained that it’s hard to let up!

Time will tell if I’ll be able to get over my embarrassment to experience one of my favorite fantasies. I might be having more chances soon to explore this. I’ll let you know how it goes!

LGBTQ Challenge: Day 19

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Day 19 – Butch or Femme? 

BLARGH! What a horrible question. The feminist critic in me wants to punch whoever thought it up– homosexual relationships, and the people in them, do not need to conform to traditional gender roles like that. It’s such an inappropriate question. And very vague.

That said, I am definitely butch, and I usually prefer femme women, though butch women are often irresistible as well. Most girly behavior irritates me, but there’s something about politeness and daintiness that I can’t resist. I look and act pretty butch but since I’m so little and chirpy it just comes off as cutesy… 0.o

LGBTQ Challenge: Day 18

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Day 18 – Something about the LGBTQ community you don’t understand or have a question about.

I honestly can’t think of an answer to this question, so instead I’d like to invite all of you to ask ME questions. They can be questions about anything! You can either post them as a comment, or talk to me privately through the “Contact Me” tab above. 🙂

LGBTQ Challenge: Day 17

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Wow, sorry I haven’t been posting again! I guess I’m losing the challenge. Not only have I been forced (and not in a sexy way) to read the entire Iliad, but the theatre stuff I do has started back up again, so I often don’t even have time to eat. I’ll update when I can, but I hope you guys continue to stick around!

Day 17 – Your first experience with an LGBT organization or event (Day of Silence, Pride, etc).

When I was in tenth grade, my best friend came out of the closet to me and then immediately asked if I would accompany him to our school’s Gay-Straight Alliance, for moral support. I agreed, and found that many of my other friends were already going. We had a really great time getting to know each other and making sure everybody knew they weren’t alone. Then, when I realized I wasn’t straight, I was too embarrassed to go back and admit I had been wrong!

Oops! 🙂

LGBTQ Challenge: Day 16

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Day 16 – A picture from your first LGBT relationship or of your first LGBT crush.

I think my first girl crush might not appreciate me plastering her picture all over the web, but I can certainly give you a mental image. From the back, people might see her petite build and flannel-based wardrobe and mistake her for me, if her colorfully-dyed emo hair wasn’t so different from my plain brown ponytail. The boys around us loved making the pair of us giggle. I met her through extracurriculars, and originally had a crush on her exboyfriend. (Sometimes, being bi is really awkward…) I loved her goofiness and how sad she was underneath it. She knew about my crush all along from my not-at-all-subtle hints, but was physically affectionate anyways: sitting in my lap, holding my hand, touching my hair. She was undoubtedly straight, and therefore it wasn’t so much leading me on as gentle and friendly reassurance.

My first relationship with a girl is current and informal, although if I were going to be honest with myself I would have to admit that I love her at least a little bit. She is beautiful and bizarre, like some anachronistic fairy, with these huge innocent brown eyes. Though she seems naive or shy at first, she is the world’s best kept secret when it comes to kink and polyamory. She constantly interrupts any sexual activity at any opportunity for an in-depth discussion of intellectual issues like weight-based prejudice and Japanese history. At one of her singing gigs, she invited me up to dance with her like ridiculous idiots. I am fascinated by her, the paleness of her skin touching my tan, the perfect flatness of her stomach, the artistry and class she puts into her clothes and hair and makeup. She is a kissing connoisseur, as opposed to my playful and irreverent appetite for fucking. The better I get to know her, the more beautiful I think she is. Isn’t that always the way?

The Perfect Pain

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I never thought of myself as a masochist: generally pain, or the fantasy of pain, doesn’t arouse me unless used as a means to an end. Hair-pulling, for example, causes no intrinsic sexual reaction in me, but when J is pulling me up to meet his lips or down to meet his cock, it makes my skin hum. Same with spanking, for the purpose of punishment. However, I am beginning to become more interested in pain for its own sake.

There is of course an undeniable vampiric appeal to being bitten in the neck by J’s perfect ivory fangs, but there’s so much tendon and sinew that it’s usually just painful. However, sometimes he’ll hit exactly the right spot to make me mew and whine, “ow ow ow no… please let go… aghhhh…” but he’ll keep digging in his teeth and then when I know my protestations aren’t going to make him let up, suddenly the pain will be totally erased by pleasure and all my muscles will go limp. When that happens, he pulls away and admires what he’s done to me with a smug smile, and then he does it again.

This cathartic release is really valuable and taps into the reasons that submission is more than just a sexual fantasy: it’s also about testing one’s own limits and seeing what happens when they are overidden. Yes, it’s partially about some lovely endorphins but it’s also about a complete and primal surrender of our most basic instinct. What is more meaningful to give up than the stuff of life itself?

How do you feel about pain? Is it important to your submission? Is it reward or punishment?