A few days ago I wrote that I was worried that J’s mom was going to think I was nuts or a slut, after he came out to her about my bisexuality and our polyamory. Upon first seeing her, I perceived that she regarded me for much longer than normal, but that may have just been paranoia. She might have just been checking out my outlandish hat. She’s an accepting woman in general, and she already likes me a lot, so I probably shouldn’t have worried.
But while visiting, I had a great time! Besides doing some other great stuff unrelated to the topics I’m writing about on this blog, I got to meet J’s transgender former boyfriend, F. He was more peppy and touchy-feely than I expected (judging from his punked-out pictures), but we got along great and I had a really fun time with him. There was a moment when I left them alone and came back to find them linking arms and got kind of jealous, but J and I talked it out and it wasn’t a big deal. I was just feeling a little insecure because I wasn’t sure how their breakup had been left, but I realized that it was silly and with some reassurance from J, I got over it. It was really cute to watch them together because they had a BDSM dynamic opposite the one that J and I have, and once I looked for it I could definitely tell. There was one point where J was sitting on the ground and F standing next to him, and when F started rubbing his head J collapsed against his knee. None of this helped me keep my major crush on F in my pants. Unfortunately, F is trying not to get mixed up with couples anymore, so any hopes of seeing them in action were dashed. 🙂 Also, I have found that after knowing F and some other transgender people, I always think about pronouns before using them. Even when referring to my mother, my boyfriend, and other people of traditional gender identity. I bet they wonder why I’ve suddenly developed a stutter. 😛
I wore my cross-dressing hat most of the weekend. I referred to it as such while with J’s friends (who know about most of my various sexual descriptors) and they good-naturedly pointed out that they weren’t convinced. I wasn’t offended. Obviously, tucking my hair up in a hat doesn’t hide my breasts or my hips. But ducking the cultural need to be pretty makes me feel a lot better, some days.
J and I also got to spend a day hanging out with F, other friends, and our girlfriend E. I got to spend some quality time with E. It doesn’t happen often since she became our girlfriend because it’s summer vacation and I live far from the town that E and J both live in. I was also interested to see how E would act with us in public, because she’s trying to keep our relationship on the down-low for some very good reasons. I’m generally a touchy-feely person, so it wasn’t out of the ordinary that I was touching her waist and laying in her lap, and she reciprocated the same level of affection. Some lewd comments were made by some “friends” that I’m not particularly a fan of, proposing sexual interactions between E and myself, but I just smirked and knew that they wished they were J. I also got a goodbye kiss from her, which totally knocked me out. Women are so pretty.
I was trying to explain to J the differences between my sexual attractions to the genders. I definitely lean towards the homosexual end of things. I very seldom look at a man and think “Wow, he’s attractive!” (much less, I would imagine, than the average straight woman does) though that happens with women all the time. Out of the people I actually know, I am more attracted to the men than the women for personality reasons– a lower percentage of girls, in my experience, are goofy and chill, which is mainly what attracts me to someone. I also have an inexplicable desire to protect the women I’m attracted to. J says that everyone who likes girls feels that way, but I’m not sure it’s all that common among lesbians.
In any case, I had a great weekend and was glad to have the chance to continue to explore some of these issues. Meeting and getting to know people like the above has helped me realize the possibilities for my own gender & sexuality, and to be more accepting towards everyone. So I think that’s pretty cool, all in all.