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Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you?  Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

BDSM is such a bizarre and paradoxical set of practices that I don’t know if anybody can say for sure why they love it. After all, it’s close-minded to think of it as a pathology that has its roots somehow in your childhood experience, but it’s so opposite of every logical survival instinct that it must come from some aberration. But I do actually think about this a lot, so here’s a list of what I’ve been able to uncover so far.

It would be very easy to dismiss my submissiveness as a temporary abdication of responsibility. After all, it is that. I am a very busy, ambitious, and anxious person, and so letting someone else decide what’s best for me, even for a half hour a day, really does make a difference in my sanity and stress level. But in vanilla headspace I am so reluctant to give up control that it must be taken from me. Therefore, the entire process is very cathartic. By extension, BDSM helps me feel safe and cared-for. Even though it seems counterintuitive, I know that someone who is willing to dom me has my best interests at heart.

I am the kind of person that will constantly probe a sore tooth with my tongue, just to keep feeling the pain. I poke bruises. I like bleeding. I’m just that perverse sort of person that would be bored without suffering. Pain feels good to me, reminds me that I’m alive, and I can take a lot of it. Life is pain, and will always be pain. By controlling it and making it pleasurable, we can conquer it, at least temporarily. It’s like the instinct to keep your eyes on the bear, because even though you might be able to outrun it if you didn’t keep glancing back, it is comforting to know how close it is to you.

I like testing limits. Whether it’s with chemicals or with subspace, I like seeing how much of my dark inner self I can handle. And the darker the better. Even though you would never know it by looking at me, I was always kind of a goth kid and I am fascinated by the dark and the macabre. I do not know why. Probably age-inappropriate exposure to Edgar Allan Poe.

I have guilt problems. Sometimes, when self-injury isn’t enough, I will turn to BDSM to feel adequately punished so I can move on with my life. I actually think in a very Catholic way, like the world is a place where everyone who breaches morality deserves punishment. I am aware that this is deeply unhealthy, but it’s a fact. In a past life I was probably one of those people who ritually flogged themselves.

Interestingly, while my fantasies involving men always involve some aspect of BDSM, my fantasies with women don’t necessarily. This led me to an interesting conclusion, so bear with me. (Grr.) I am some variety of genderqueer; I have always been uncomfortable with my femininity. Therefore, when forced to confront my biological body in regards to sex, I am more comfortable hiding behind a caricature of femininity: the submissive sexual object. Otherwise, I would feel uncomfortable or even violated. When sexxin’ it up with, or fantasizing about, women, I am more free to bring out my masculine side and therefore no BDSM is necessary. It seems like a stretch, but I am firmly convinced that it’s true, and possibly the deepest reason that BDSM is a part of my life.

Wow. My first draft of this post was like fifty words. I apparently had a lot to say on this topic.