It’s only my 2 1/2th day of following J’s assignments (I went on vacation and therefore wasn’t about to waste 6 hours a day following his directions) and I’m already resenting it. I suppose it’s the sort of slump that always comes along when things get tough, so I shouldn’t be surprised. I just felt the need to whine.
I feel stupid jogging for 20 feet before I get winded and have to stop, but even though I go until I can’t anymore, rest, and then keep going, I cannot even begin to fulfill the distance requirement he placed on me. Luckily, I don’t get punished for that. I did, however, get punished for failing to wake up at the time he decided I should wake up. Secretly, I’m glad. I’m also glad he upped my requirement for sit ups after I challenged him to do so, because even doing 20 at a time is easy and that makes me feel better about the rest of it. The reading for two hours is a breeze because I’d be doing that anyways, but the guitar is a little bit boring even though I am making a lot of progress. I am procrastinating by writing this, because I have to cut my nails before I can play and it’s much easier to just do neither.
It doesn’t help that I haven’t seen J in a week and a half, and I’m only halfway through our time apart. It doesn’t sound like a long time, but when you’re used to being with somebody for upwards of twenty hours a day every day, three weeks apart is forever. J and I are so naturally, weirdly in-tune with each other that it’s like having a twin that is always on the same wavelength, except happier and stronger and more well-adjusted and adventurous. He is literally my better half. So I miss having a companion that can read my mind, and I miss sleeping in his arms and being held and kissed and cheered up. Also, not gonna lie, I miss his dick. Maybe I’m totally spoiled, but it’s VERY RARELY, maybe even NEVER, that I have been without sex for that long. The advantage of being a spirited and relatively attractive young girl is that if I want to, I can always get laid if I want to. I mean, I could now, but I do not, have never, and will never cheat. I miss J more than I miss anything sexual, and nothing else will fill that void except him.
I like to think of myself as an ambitious person, which as far as I can tell is true, but at the same time it’s so hard for me to stick to the little goals. I’m glad that J ordered me to do this– it’s already a huge improvement in both my mood and my productivity– but I still resent having to be ordered to do these things. In this way, I’m much more annoyed at myself. Aren’t I stronger than this? I guess not, and I never have been. That’s why I was depressed in the first place. I don’t need to add sloth to my checklist of deadly sins, after lust.
But I sent him the report of my first couple of days doing his assignments before I went on vacation, and knowing that he read them made me feel loved and taken care of. Tomorrow, instead of running because I have to, I’m gonna run for him. I’m going to visualize coming back to him all sweaty and shapely and him being impressed and turned on. So fuck you, muscles.
I wish he would order me to clean. E has been spending her entire summer cleaning, and so I feel lame that I can’t even keep my room straight. It’s almost time to pack up all my college suff again (hurrah!) but I can’t motivate myself to do that, either. But I’m so excited to move back into the hustle & bustle of dorm life that it shouldn’t be too hard to get started, right? …Right?
UPDATE: LATER THE SAME DAY
I whined to J about the guitar requirement and now he’s making me chronicle all the sexual thoughts I have. I like this assignment a lot better. 🙂