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The lovely and insightful Maitressemadz asked me on my post BDSM Challenge: Day One how my tastes and experiences as a sexual submissive affect my occasional role as a dom. Rather than write a super-long and involved reply, I decided to write a post to share with everyone.

I don’t dom often. When I do, I don’t find it sexually pleasurable at all, though I do find it funny and amusing to watch people suffer. 🙂 For example, if J is freaking out about something (he gets weird about certain fluttery bugs & the texture of stickiness) I will postpone helping him for a few seconds just for the entertainment. I’m a bad person. 🙂

Until recently, I did not understand why someone would want to be a dominant. Honestly, if I met someone who wanted to do to me the things I want done to me, I would think that they are pathological. This seems really paradoxical, and it is.

But then I watched J interact with his former lover and dom F.* An image that stuck with me was J sitting on the side of a dock, swinging his feet like a child, while F stood next to him in her black boots, running her fingers through his hair. Seeing J lean against F’s knee like a happy puppy melted my heart and helped me understand how dominance is an act of love. I could see how she had the ability to probe his brain and find out what tortured him and what pleased him, to use them for both her own pleasure. Obviously, dominance is different for everyone, like submission is, but this understanding really jives with me and I could see myself enjoying this sort of dominance.

My first sexual partner, A, was a masochist, though we didn’t often explore it. Early in our relationship and not in-scene, he asked me to hit him to curb his anxiety, but I completely refused for humanitarian reasons. Another time, I had him tied up and his grandmother called him on the phone. I answered it for him and held it up to his ear to converse while I tickled him and gave him a blowjob. He was pretty pissed and squicked out, but I thought it was hilarious. ^.^ But my forays into D/s with him were so unfulfilling that in my opinion they don’t even count.

My second partner, B, was intrigued by my kinky side and was really my first experience with submission: I believe I already wrote about the time he tied me to a railing in an academic building after-hours and fucked my mouth. There was an instance that he asked me to dominate him, so I instructed him to sit on his hands and put a cube of ice on his chest. His challenge was to not let it slip down his stomach, or I would punish him. In addition to forcing him to constantly measure and adjust his position, the cold water was dripping down his naked body and pooling in his belly button and his pubes. When I rode him where he sat, he came harder than I had ever seen him do before, but I wasn’t particularly interested in doing it again because I found submission exponentially more pleasurable.

Though I have tried on multiple occasions, I cannot dom J. He does not submit willingly– he doesn’t find it pleasurable unless he is actually physically under someone’s control. Unfortunately, I am a tiny and out-of-shape girl and I do not have the physical strength to win in a struggle. Even when I pinned his arms to his sides with my knees as he suggested, he easily threw me off of him. I can see why F enjoyed the physical aggression of this, but I literally cannot match it. Of course, there was that time that I teased him and tortured him into begging for a blowjob– his voice got high and breathy as he pleaded and that did actually turn me on. I had no idea that submission could have that kind of effect on him. It’s unfortunate I can’t play the dom better for J, because if there’s anyone’s weaknesses I want to probe, it’s his. He has so much power over me that it’s a shame I can’t really return the favor.

It is interesting to note that as a dom, I do not enact on others my submissive fantasies– I merely take the power they give me and manipulate them in a way that I find amusing and then when I get bored of the torture, let them cum. Dominance doesn’t turn me on, although I’m beginning to think that maybe it has the potential to.

Even if I continue my forays into dominance, I will probably never consider myself a switch. Submission is what works for me as the basis of a sexual relationship, and even though I am a playful human who likes to explore and to irritate people, I am still a submissive throughout all of it.

I am glad to have had the opportunities to turn the tables: I think it has enhanced my submission by making me respect all the effort a dom puts into making a sub happy. What J does for me requires compassion, care, creativity, and a sense of adventure. He does it because he loves me and wants to give me what I need. I’m starting to view each scene or act of dominance as a hand-crafted gift– something to treasure.

*Note: As I’m sure I’ve said before, F is transgender, but for the duration of this post I shall be referring to F as she, to differentiate between F and J. Either pronoun is fine with her, so if she read this she wouldn’t be offended. 🙂