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I never thought of myself as a masochist: generally pain, or the fantasy of pain, doesn’t arouse me unless used as a means to an end. Hair-pulling, for example, causes no intrinsic sexual reaction in me, but when J is pulling me up to meet his lips or down to meet his cock, it makes my skin hum. Same with spanking, for the purpose of punishment. However, I am beginning to become more interested in pain for its own sake.

There is of course an undeniable vampiric appeal to being bitten in the neck by J’s perfect ivory fangs, but there’s so much tendon and sinew that it’s usually just painful. However, sometimes he’ll hit exactly the right spot to make me mew and whine, “ow ow ow no… please let go… aghhhh…” but he’ll keep digging in his teeth and then when I know my protestations aren’t going to make him let up, suddenly the pain will be totally erased by pleasure and all my muscles will go limp. When that happens, he pulls away and admires what he’s done to me with a smug smile, and then he does it again.

This cathartic release is really valuable and taps into the reasons that submission is more than just a sexual fantasy: it’s also about testing one’s own limits and seeing what happens when they are overidden. Yes, it’s partially about some lovely endorphins but it’s also about a complete and primal surrender of our most basic instinct. What is more meaningful to give up than the stuff of life itself?

How do you feel about pain? Is it important to your submission? Is it reward or punishment?